I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve forgiveness.
I don't deserve good food to eat.
I don't deserve a talent.
I don't deserve lead roles.
I don't deserve a job.
I don't deserve a car.
I don't deserve a voice to sing with.
I don't deserve "mercies" that are "new with the morning".
I don't deserve a 2nd chance...or a 3rd... or a 4th... or a 1000th.

But God gives me all of these.
I am ridiculously blessed beyond my wildest dreams and he keeps them coming...? I am floored.

I constantly take things out of God's hands and say "Just let me know do it! OKAY?" Then God let's go... I break it... I bring it to him and say "Dad please fix it" like a 2 year old does to his parents with his legos... and you know what God does? HE FIXES IT!
I get mad and frusturated. I go to other people to vent and it can take me a good 10 minutes to a good couple MONTHS before I start talking to GOD about it but the moment I do and FULLY rely on him and rest in him to carry me through... HE FIXES IT!

All winter I have been losing my voice... dreading coming up to tech week. I have sang through Cinderella 5 times now (with dress rehearsals and 2 school days) and I still have a voice... thats a record for the Winter. I'm somehow still passing my classes in school. My teachers are giving me more chances to fix things.
Tonight I didn't get work done on time and didn't have time to study all week because I was crazy and said I would work all day leaving me JUST enough time to get ready and leave for dress rehearsal. I emailed my teacher saying I would like to take the test later in the week... praying God would cover my mistakes and sure enough she e-mailed me back (after I had gotten my homework done thankfully) saying I could study and take it Wednesday...

The worst part is... whenever a blessing comes around I get all happy. I'm in love with God again so drenched in awe of his greatness and his mercy and I'm so thankful.
Where is my attitude at? I should be praising God for all he's DONE! I can be amidst complete destruction and I should be PRAISING HIM but I don't cuz I worry about ME ME ME ME ME...

I don't deserve this but God gives it to me... and I am just amazed. Its times like these where I think of not only these "smaller" blessings like making school work out, but also his other blessings throughout my whole life. How can a God I am so wishy washy with care so much about me? All I do is ASK and he takes care of it. Mind you, he doesn't always say YES but he does always say "I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT"

Proverbs 16:3 has been my life changing verse of the week cuz it says "Commit to the Lord WHATEVER YOU DO and your plans WILL succeed." THEY WILL! I need wake up calls to realize I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I try to and I fail and God picks me up brushes me off and says "here take my hand I'll help you" and we start walking again.WE BOTH know I am going to let go and run up ahead. He'll say "Matthew slow down" and I'll say "It's okay I can do it." Then I fall and it all starts over.

God is ALWAYS there for me... and I don't deserve it.

I LOVE my God.