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I tried to right a great blog tonight....





I didn't succeed.




Another time I suppose.

Little Shop of Awesome/I need an attitude adjustment

Little Shop closed tonight after what felt like one of the best performances of my life. I'm so thankful and blessed.
The show was everything I wanted it to be. I gained everything I had hoped I would. Tonight I felt like I was living out my dream role.
I think back to the rehearsal where I was worried about if I would have a voice for shows and I seriously HEARD God say in my head "Do you really think I'd give you all this and just take it away?"
Amazing. just amazing. So thankful.
Here's hoping it's not over. (REMOUNT! REMOUNT! REMOUNT!)

SLASH

You know when I feel most happy? When I'm worshiping (like music) God and when I am performing. Otherwise I realized I am a very stubborn person. I get bored so easily and always want something new the second something starts to feel even a little old. I don't like things to stay the same too long cuz then I get bored and feel trapped (gross teenage angst symptoms) but if things start changing to much I want the world to slow down.
The only thing I don't get sick of is God and performing. I feel like I even get tired of the same people for too long. I realize that's terrible cuz I love my friends and family to death but I'm a person who just likes breaks from people sometimes. I have a few people in my life I love so much but rarely get to see so everytime I do I love it. I just hate the feeling of "expecting" to see somebody cuz you see them all the time.
I don't think I'm making sense.
I think I need an attitude adjustment.

I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve forgiveness.
I don't deserve good food to eat.
I don't deserve a talent.
I don't deserve lead roles.
I don't deserve a job.
I don't deserve a car.
I don't deserve a voice to sing with.
I don't deserve "mercies" that are "new with the morning".
I don't deserve a 2nd chance...or a 3rd... or a 4th... or a 1000th.

But God gives me all of these.
I am ridiculously blessed beyond my wildest dreams and he keeps them coming...? I am floored.

I constantly take things out of God's hands and say "Just let me know do it! OKAY?" Then God let's go... I break it... I bring it to him and say "Dad please fix it" like a 2 year old does to his parents with his legos... and you know what God does? HE FIXES IT!
I get mad and frusturated. I go to other people to vent and it can take me a good 10 minutes to a good couple MONTHS before I start talking to GOD about it but the moment I do and FULLY rely on him and rest in him to carry me through... HE FIXES IT!

All winter I have been losing my voice... dreading coming up to tech week. I have sang through Cinderella 5 times now (with dress rehearsals and 2 school days) and I still have a voice... thats a record for the Winter. I'm somehow still passing my classes in school. My teachers are giving me more chances to fix things.
Tonight I didn't get work done on time and didn't have time to study all week because I was crazy and said I would work all day leaving me JUST enough time to get ready and leave for dress rehearsal. I emailed my teacher saying I would like to take the test later in the week... praying God would cover my mistakes and sure enough she e-mailed me back (after I had gotten my homework done thankfully) saying I could study and take it Wednesday...

The worst part is... whenever a blessing comes around I get all happy. I'm in love with God again so drenched in awe of his greatness and his mercy and I'm so thankful.
Where is my attitude at? I should be praising God for all he's DONE! I can be amidst complete destruction and I should be PRAISING HIM but I don't cuz I worry about ME ME ME ME ME...

I don't deserve this but God gives it to me... and I am just amazed. Its times like these where I think of not only these "smaller" blessings like making school work out, but also his other blessings throughout my whole life. How can a God I am so wishy washy with care so much about me? All I do is ASK and he takes care of it. Mind you, he doesn't always say YES but he does always say "I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT"

Proverbs 16:3 has been my life changing verse of the week cuz it says "Commit to the Lord WHATEVER YOU DO and your plans WILL succeed." THEY WILL! I need wake up calls to realize I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I try to and I fail and God picks me up brushes me off and says "here take my hand I'll help you" and we start walking again.WE BOTH know I am going to let go and run up ahead. He'll say "Matthew slow down" and I'll say "It's okay I can do it." Then I fall and it all starts over.

God is ALWAYS there for me... and I don't deserve it.

I LOVE my God.

Riddle me this and minor thought.

Here's what I don't understand... and this is a bit difficult to admit because sometimes, having questions (as a Christian) makes us feel vulnerable with our faith... and we don't like that.

I know we are supposed to live life for God, not others.
I know we need to have a positive, Christian attitude towards things and HATE sin. God doesn't say just not approve of it, we are supposed to DESPISE it.
In doing so... we probably shouldn't laugh at that inappropriate comment or joke... because it's bring a positive light to something we are supposed to HATE.

But in today's world, if you get all serious on those things, like when anybody makes "funny" comments, or swears or something like that... it's a turn off. I think most of us just try to not go with it. Like, I do not swear... but others do and when I used to tell people not to... it made people say it made me a jerk cuz I "thought I was above other people". So now when people swear or make comments, I don't say anything. And when people apologize I say "I don't mind. I just choose not to do it." I can't help but think I shouldn't do that. I guess the best way to handle that would to just say "thankyou" when people apologize.
It's just tough. It's hard to stay FRIENDS with the WORLD without being OF the world. That balance of "hating the sin" without seeming like you "hate the sinner" is a really delicate one that varies from person to person.

Minor thought,
God's really testing my patience right now on some stuff. (patience is the wrong word... let's say perseverance)
There are a couple of things (I won't get into detail) that I've been praying about for a while. I finally see God moving in them but it's hard for me not to want to just rush to the end result. I know I gotta work with his timing though. Gotta love chances to grow... haha

I need to go to bed...sleep til I wake up... and go to work hopefully healthier than today.
One day to be sick is all I have time for. So much to do.

Other blog nobody but Mary knew about...

I deleted my other blog tonight.
I WAS reading through the entire Bible all the way and posting about it but I just fell behind and I know myself. I don't want to set myself up for failure.

I still want to read through it all the way at some point. But I started reading Crazy Love again and I think that there are other ways God needs me to learn about him. If I'm stuck just the next passage a night, I'll get stressed when I'm behind, or when I forget I'll feel bad. Also if I am tired, I won't keep an open heart to what I should read. Ill finish the chapter and then go to bed.

This is better I think.

Off to read Crazy Love and hit the hay before midnight! WOAH!

Here's praying my cold goes away!

I wouldn't say that EXACTLY... not EXACTLY

Now now, I would not say that I am a hardcore ORIGINALIST!

Matthew's Definition of Originalist

O-rig-i-nal-ist.
1. One who believes solely in a piece of media's original performers and/or characteristics
Ex. "He didn't like the Sweeney Todd film because he is an originalist. Also, it's very scary."
2. A really cool word Matt Silar made up.
Ex. "No, no, I am talking about originalist!" "Oh, you mean that really cool word Matt Silar made up?" "Exactly!"

Now that we understand my choice of terms, I can continue.

As I was saying, I am not a harcore originalist but I do believe STRONGLY in "a piece of media's original performers and/or characteristics"

The example that comes to my mind right away is... guess it...
SWEENEY TODD!

Let's look at the team for the film. Johnny Depp is the lead, Helena Bonham Carter is once again a lead because she's dating the director and one of the most successful directors of all time is in charge... the one and only Tim Burton. Throw in Alan Rickman and tie it all together with Sondheim music and you should have struck gold correct?
INCORRECT.

The film's ridiculous gore and tomato soup blood is only part of what takes away the original brilliance. While Johnny Depp does a fantastic job, he lacks the original "creepiness" of Len Cariou. Depp's portrayal is almost HALLOWEEN rather than DERANGED in my opinion.
The real problem with the movie however is Helen Bonham Carter. Tell me how she comes even CLOSE to the BRILLIANCE of Angela Lansbury... anybody? anybody? I thought not. Her performance had nothing to praise. Her vocals were week and her take on the character was completely opposite of the original portrayal. While I am all for making the role your own... when you are going up against ANGELA LANSBURY, you better have one HECK of your own.

The next thing that comes to mind is The Little Mermaid (The Broadway show)
The music, in my opinion, is mediocre compared to the original score. Alan Menken is a phenomenal composer despite most of Beauty and the Beast showing up in all of his projects since. His music for the Broadway production is GREAT, but it doesn't fit the original score. With Beauty and the Beast, you forget what songs are in the movie and which were written for the show. This is NOT the case with The Little Mermaid.
ALSO, While I am in NO WAY AT ALL RACIST and I think many of the diversified performers are fantastic, the Little Mermaid is FILLED with characters WE RECOGNIZE... We KNOW what they look like an I am sorry but

THIS GUY

WILL NEVER LOOK LIKE

THIS GUY

I'm just saying, some of the characters need to stay as they are... Sebastian would be weird if he was WHITE... I don't see the difference. Show me one white simba LION KING...
Also, need we be reminded of the last time Disney changed the race of a character on Broadway? When Toni Braxton was Belle... they added ANOTHER song to the already 2.5 hour musical.
But that is beside the point.
Second... Sheri Renee Scott.
I know she is great... don't get me wrong. Her portrayal of Kathy in The Last Five Years is spot on but her URSULA?
I know they rewrote the role to fit her character choice better but COME ON DISNEY! Ursula is probably one of the most well known Disney Villians just because of her song. The HUGE Purple Octopus played by BRILLIANT Pat Carrolll blew Sherie Renee Scott out of the water! (pardon the pun) Scott singing "Poor Unfortunate Souls" leaves to be desired and her overall deviousness becomes this annoying WOE IS ME character.
Finally the changes they made to the plot still throw me off. There was something great about Ariel's FATHER making her a mermaid but in the show, Ariel breaks Ursula's shell of song and she gets to STAY HUMAN...? Basically Ariel get's exactly what she wants and just wants her dad's approval. FAIL ON FAMILY DISNEY, FAIL.
Overall it disappoints me deeply...

FINALLY
Let's talk about all these SEQUELS.
Remember when they were going to make a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel? Thank the LORD they threw that train wreck of an idea away. The original film is pure brilliance, if it didn't live up to it they would have completely screwed themselves over.
Then there was that window in early 2000s when Disney was spitting out DIRECT TO DVD sequels left and right. Tarzan and Jane, Cinderella 2 When Dreams Come True, Hunchback of Notre Dame 2 which was actually okay..., Lady and the Tramp 2 Scamp's Adventure, Lion King 1/2. (Lion King 2 was in 1998 and I liked that one... haha)
Moral is, I feel people see a great piece of work and try to milk it rather than just leave it be in it's brilliance. Sometimes Musical Movies work out... like Chicago, or Hairspray.
Sometime's Sequels are better than the original like Toy Story 2!
But sometimes, the original is the only way to go.

I'm not really an originalist... but I am.

Also I know the 2 main things I mentioned are a good 2 or 3 years old but I can still talk about them. It's my blog.

Realizations are always good things.

I had an amazing God feeling today.

I've been losing my voice A LOT recently... not just "my voice isn't peak" but like "Holy cow my voice is gone" losing it. It's been stressing me and honestly a bit scary seeing as how singing is such a HUGE part of my life. I am going to an ENT just to make sure there is nothing wrong. I hope and think there isn't but if I have a doctor tell me that, I will feel better... and if it is something else I would rather find out now and take care of it now rather than it affect me later in life.
But as I was doing something in rehearsal tonight for Little Shop, I don't even know what, I got the tiniest bit of fright thinking about what would happen if this was a show... and I felt this like RUSH and right away I was like wow... that felt like GOD. I seriously heard him in my head say, "Matthew, do you HONESTLY think I would give this to you and then take it away like that?"
I felt so comforted by my father in that moment... and it made me realize that I've missed listening to God recently. I haven't taken enough time to talk to God or hear him out. I wholeheartedly believe God is going to keep me healthy and take care of me and give me the perseverance to make it through both Little Shop AND Cinderella.
The thing is, I know that the only way God will keep it that way is if I am responsible and honoring. I need to take care of myself- eat healthy, go to bed on time, (Tonight is a holiday thus an exception) get my work done, learn to say NO when I should, and spend time with my AMAZING heavenly father.