I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve forgiveness.
I don't deserve good food to eat.
I don't deserve a talent.
I don't deserve lead roles.
I don't deserve a job.
I don't deserve a car.
I don't deserve a voice to sing with.
I don't deserve "mercies" that are "new with the morning".
I don't deserve a 2nd chance...or a 3rd... or a 4th... or a 1000th.

But God gives me all of these.
I am ridiculously blessed beyond my wildest dreams and he keeps them coming...? I am floored.

I constantly take things out of God's hands and say "Just let me know do it! OKAY?" Then God let's go... I break it... I bring it to him and say "Dad please fix it" like a 2 year old does to his parents with his legos... and you know what God does? HE FIXES IT!
I get mad and frusturated. I go to other people to vent and it can take me a good 10 minutes to a good couple MONTHS before I start talking to GOD about it but the moment I do and FULLY rely on him and rest in him to carry me through... HE FIXES IT!

All winter I have been losing my voice... dreading coming up to tech week. I have sang through Cinderella 5 times now (with dress rehearsals and 2 school days) and I still have a voice... thats a record for the Winter. I'm somehow still passing my classes in school. My teachers are giving me more chances to fix things.
Tonight I didn't get work done on time and didn't have time to study all week because I was crazy and said I would work all day leaving me JUST enough time to get ready and leave for dress rehearsal. I emailed my teacher saying I would like to take the test later in the week... praying God would cover my mistakes and sure enough she e-mailed me back (after I had gotten my homework done thankfully) saying I could study and take it Wednesday...

The worst part is... whenever a blessing comes around I get all happy. I'm in love with God again so drenched in awe of his greatness and his mercy and I'm so thankful.
Where is my attitude at? I should be praising God for all he's DONE! I can be amidst complete destruction and I should be PRAISING HIM but I don't cuz I worry about ME ME ME ME ME...

I don't deserve this but God gives it to me... and I am just amazed. Its times like these where I think of not only these "smaller" blessings like making school work out, but also his other blessings throughout my whole life. How can a God I am so wishy washy with care so much about me? All I do is ASK and he takes care of it. Mind you, he doesn't always say YES but he does always say "I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT"

Proverbs 16:3 has been my life changing verse of the week cuz it says "Commit to the Lord WHATEVER YOU DO and your plans WILL succeed." THEY WILL! I need wake up calls to realize I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I try to and I fail and God picks me up brushes me off and says "here take my hand I'll help you" and we start walking again.WE BOTH know I am going to let go and run up ahead. He'll say "Matthew slow down" and I'll say "It's okay I can do it." Then I fall and it all starts over.

God is ALWAYS there for me... and I don't deserve it.

I LOVE my God.

Riddle me this and minor thought.

Here's what I don't understand... and this is a bit difficult to admit because sometimes, having questions (as a Christian) makes us feel vulnerable with our faith... and we don't like that.

I know we are supposed to live life for God, not others.
I know we need to have a positive, Christian attitude towards things and HATE sin. God doesn't say just not approve of it, we are supposed to DESPISE it.
In doing so... we probably shouldn't laugh at that inappropriate comment or joke... because it's bring a positive light to something we are supposed to HATE.

But in today's world, if you get all serious on those things, like when anybody makes "funny" comments, or swears or something like that... it's a turn off. I think most of us just try to not go with it. Like, I do not swear... but others do and when I used to tell people not to... it made people say it made me a jerk cuz I "thought I was above other people". So now when people swear or make comments, I don't say anything. And when people apologize I say "I don't mind. I just choose not to do it." I can't help but think I shouldn't do that. I guess the best way to handle that would to just say "thankyou" when people apologize.
It's just tough. It's hard to stay FRIENDS with the WORLD without being OF the world. That balance of "hating the sin" without seeming like you "hate the sinner" is a really delicate one that varies from person to person.

Minor thought,
God's really testing my patience right now on some stuff. (patience is the wrong word... let's say perseverance)
There are a couple of things (I won't get into detail) that I've been praying about for a while. I finally see God moving in them but it's hard for me not to want to just rush to the end result. I know I gotta work with his timing though. Gotta love chances to grow... haha

I need to go to bed...sleep til I wake up... and go to work hopefully healthier than today.
One day to be sick is all I have time for. So much to do.